the list that haunts me

accomplishment, life, list making, lists, motivation, progression, self worth

Last year around my birthday I created a list of 27 things to do before I turned 28. Now that I'm 28, I've reflected on the progress of completing the list and I have to admit, the progress can only be classified as pathetic.

List making

But you know what? I'm really just fine with that.

My life was quite different when I compiled the list.  My frame of mind, my goals, my self worth… much different. And now? I don't really care about the list.  

Know why? Because I thought that if I had completed everything on the list, I would have accomplished a good thing. That I would have had something to show for my time. That I would have proved some sort of worth. But in the time between then and now, I've discovered a new me, a new purpose, a new drive, and I'm ok with not completing those things this year. 

If I were to create that list again, a list of 28 things to do before I turn 29, it would look incredibly different. And I'm good with that. Because what is life for if not for progression? The goals are still all things I want to do, but I no longer feel the urgency to do them.

Of course I'm still a list person and I probably always will be. It seems to be one personality trait that compensates for another not so good personality trait. So we're talking about the lesser of two evils here, and if the lesser of the two is that I carry around a notebook in my purse, have 5 different lists on my phone, and still have a separate monthly to do list, then so be it.  It helps me get crap done people.

But that I no longer find my worth in completing those lists, that is a big step. A huge step in self acceptance, awareness, and forgivness. Because I don't need a list of completed tasks to tell someone I'm worth something. I can just say it out loud.