Dear Customer,

I'm new to working retail. Very new. And after working my first Black Friday ever my sunny disposition has turned a coordinating shade of gray. I have a few things to say.

Don't come to my store the weekend after Thanksgiving and give me the stink eye about being sold out of the Christmas trees that were on sale. They went on sale at a god-forsaken early hour Friday morning. It's now Saturday night. I don't feel bad for you. And I now want to poke you in the eye.

Keep your teenagers under control or leave them at home. I'd say this about 2 year olds as well but that's child endangerment and against the law so I don't recommend that. But your (blanking) teenagers (blanking) know better and should (blanking) behave themselves.

Is it really so much work that you can't put things back on the shelf where you got them?  I'm not talking about the fitting rooms. I even understand when you're now on the other side of the store and have to take something out of your cart to make more room for 20 cases of beer. But when you're on the same aisle?  In front of the same shelf? When you haven't moved far enough away from the origin of the item to warrant putting it in your basket? Put it the eff back where you got it.

The person in the aisle pushing the cart in front of you is not your enemy. They have the right to shop here as much as you do. Please put on your patient pants, take a deep breath, and count to 10. Backward. Slowly. Expecially since this gift-giving season has brought 3x as many people in to the store. Do unto others lady, ok?

I appreciate that you are out and about spending money this holiday season. It's good for the economy (though I will refrain from spouting about spending your money at small local business establishments as opposed to the big chains), it's good for morale, it's good for the gift-giving season. And most of all, it's good for those of us who need the work. Just please remember that everyone else is there to spend money too. And money is money, it doesn't matter who it comes from, and you're all on the same playing field. If you want the experience of spending money to make you feel superior and elitist go spend it at Barney's, or Lexus. Because I don't give a rat's hind quarters.

So put on your big girl pants and be a grown up about it. And if you have a problem with shopping in crowds, you should come in after 10pm. It's dead in here after 10. But you better be able to finish up in an hour because after 11 I'm going the (blank) home. Whether you're done or not.

Cheers!