I consider myself a reasonably sane person.  Really, I do. 

I consciously work to keep my emotions in check.  I try not to over-analyze and over-process.  I work to stay neutral.  Too much to the right or left and my abilities to over-process go into, well, over-drive.

But we all know that an emotion suppressed is a ticking bomb. So is it really my fault? Either way, this leads to freaking out.  Good or bad, freaking out is a talent I wish I had not had the opportunity to master.

There have been times in my dating life when I go with the flow.  No problems.  No emotional break downs, no freak outs, and no relationship insecurities surface.  In hindsight, I realize it's because with these guys, perfectly nice guys, there is no fire, no connection, no… toxic spark. The relationship is missing the intangibles.  He is not what I'm looking for.  And if he isn't what I'm looking for, and this isn't gonna last, why put myself out there in such a way to become vulnerable?  Which, if I'm not opening myself to that person, how viable is the relationship, and why would I continue to spend time and energy? Waste time and energy. Not only mine, but his too? 

That would be why we no longer date.  Can you say over-process?  Whew.

The other reason he and I are no longer a “we”:  That boy drew out an emotion from deep inside me that made me want to connect, share, and be vulnerable. And I flipped into “crazy girlfriend”.  Yep, she's tragic.  An emotional disaster.  A hot mess.  She needs more validation and reassurance than I really want to admit.

The trick to the well-being of my relationship is containing “crazy girlfriend” once she rears her ugly emotional head.  It's crazy difficult.  Almost impossible. History shows that once she makes her appearance it takes a while for her to chill the hell out and leave.  Not like a zit that sticks around and taunts you for a week.  More like a bruised fingernail that can be covered up with bright cheery colors, but it's still there, tender and sore for weeks and weeks.

The worst thing about “crazy girlfriend” showing up?  Her uncanny ability to train-wreck a relationship.  And when she has successfully trashed the connection and doused the sparks, because she does every time,  she is left all alone with her craziness.

And she becomes crazy lonely.