it’s too painful

Adele, changes, independence, life, protection, relationships, wall

“I dare you to let me be your one and only. I promise I'm worth it to, hold in your arms. So come on and give me a chance, to prove I'm the one who can walk that mile until the end of time.” -ADELE

Brick wall


Lyrics from a song that plays on repeat in my brain these days.  It's a really good song, awesome to sing along to.  Filled with emotion.  Something I really connect to.  Except, I've realized that I really dislike that I connect so strongly with this song.  

You see, there was this boy.  I fell hard for him before I really knew him. I didn't give myself the chance to see that he was not good for me.  Then there was some pathetic plea for him to pick me.  Be with me.  Love me.  

It was all very Grey's Anatomy.

After that very pathetic episode of my life, the walls went up.  I dated a little bit.  Here and there.  But I was not willing to let just anyone inside those walls.  Not willing to adjust my schedule to make time for them.  They were not special enough. Not good enough.  I found myself so busy that there was not room for anyone else.  And I was so good with that.

But it started to get a smidge lonely.  Just a smidge.  I knew I was strong enough, independent enough, that I didn't NEED anyone else.  I have me covered.  There is no need that I can't fulfill myself.  But I found myself wishing there was someone on the couch with me.  Some warmth in the bed next to me.  The companionship of someone else in the apartment. And that was a need I couldn't fill by myself.

About that time someone came along that was worth shaking up my world.  The changes were worth it.  I wanted to make the time because he was that great. And things were so good.

Now I've realized my hasty attachment to this boy.  Too attached too quickly.  I mean, we barely know each other.  Right?  And now, after revealed personalities and differing perspectives, I've retreated to lick my wounds.  I've come face to face with my mistakes.  My hastiness.

After the lyrics have been on repeat in my brain for a week or so, I realize the problem with them.  In no way do I want to have to convince someone that I am the right one for them.  Seriously.  No begging.  No pleading.  I'll wait patiently, but there will be no groveling. 

Because while I may be ready to let down the wall and shake up my life for someone else, if that person isn't willing to do it for me, the effort isn't worth the pain.

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