i had a crisis


There I was, sitting at the stoplight waiting for the green arrow so I could turn left and be one stoplight closer to the sanctuary that is my home.  And I was crying.  I realized what was happening and started to chastise myself for the emotions spilling over into my lap.  

I have nothing to cry about.  I am not experiencing anything at this moment to warrant a good cry.  What is going on you big baby?  You're just tired.  Suck it up.

My inner voice told me that this was not because I was tired.  I was overwhelmed.  And it wasn't the kind of overwhelmed I choose.  Not the kind I can control.  This was the kind of overwhelmed I hadn't felt for almost a year.  The world is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can to do stop it.  Let alone keep up with it.  

Besides, even though there was nothing happening at that moment, there had been plenty over the last few months.  I realized it was all still inside.  Still bottled up there.  And I needed to release it and let it go. 

So I sat at the red light and cried.  It only lasted a minute or two.  And allowing my body to release the tension and stress felt better than being a big girl and not crying at all.

When I got home I took Ellie for a stroll around the buildings to release some of her energy.  Then played a bit with her in the apartment.  Thankfully, she's getting the hang of retrieving.  Which is super nice for her pent up energy out.

Next was a shower to scrub off the daily ickies.  

Then I filled the tub with warm water.  I had grabbed a couple books to read while I soaked.  Y'know, to keep me busy.  But when I submerged into the warm water, I enjoyed the stillness and the relief so I left them where they were.

While at the craft fair in December, I purchased a few handmade soaps and fizzy bombs.  I dropped one into the water and it was heavenly.  (If the woman was online I'd share the link but sadly she isn't.)  The earthy essential oils and epsom salts dispersed into the water and I forced my mind to go blank.  I'm glad I forgot to put my paper and pen nearby because I would have immediately picked it up and listed everything that was passing through my mind.  Instead I could just soak and let it all float away.

I noticed my breathing was short and shallow.  So I used my yoga techniques and concentrated on taking deep calming breaths and sending the breath to different tense areas of my body.  My muscles completely relaxed in my legs, arms, and back and they all started twitching.  

I sunk deeper into the tub and submerged my ears so all I could hear was a quiet humming.  I was amused that Ellie would poke her head over the edge of the tub looking concerned because her tongue could no longer reach my shoulder.  

Then, as I bobbed there rising and falling with each breath, it occurred to me that my torso floats better than it used to.  

And the stillness was broken with my laughter.  I drained the tub and climbed out feeling much better than I did when I entered.




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