How’s your heart today?



A thoughtful and provoking question posed to cyberspace by this blogger.  

I definetly stopped.  And thought.  And thought some more.

This is a real dilemma for me.  Because unlike Bri, I do NOT wear my heart on my sleeve.  There are many thoughts, feelings, self realizations, doubts, all bubbling together under the surface of me.  The me that people see, the me that I project, the me I allow others to see. Different. 

In class we talk about self disclosure.  This has always been something I have struggled with.  As a human we have needs.  The need to connect with people.  To belong to something.  To give and receive love.  And those things require you to give information of yourself to connect with other people.  I've never been good at that.  I always have many acquaintances and few close friends. If you can prove to handle my crazy, I'm fiercely loyal.  That's how it's always been.  (I suppose that's the Scorpio in me.)  

As I've done some growing up in the last two years, and really in the last year, I've come to be more comfortable with the whole self disclosure thing.  It's become more comfortable.  And really, if we're being honest here and I think we are, it's more that I've become more comfortable with the non-conversation.  The talking to people without really disclosing who you really are.  You see, I'm very good at assessing a situation and then only exposing the parts of me that fit in.  I've just become what you expect me to become.  (Which in the long haul is hurtful, depressing, and a total loss of self.  But that's another story.)  And all that actually negates how I started this paragraph.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm trying.  Someone recently told me that if I would just loosen up and let people see the real me right away, I would be more likable and approachable.  Well, not only do I think that's a load of honkey, it's also true.  Darn. So here I am, trying to be relaxed and open with people.  

And you know what?  I think it's working.  Huh.

And how is my heart?  That's for me to know and for you to never find out.  🙂


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